be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
