my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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