I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
