I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
