she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
