she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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