I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
