This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
