I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
