I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
