Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
