I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
