yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
