I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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