my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
