apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
