I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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