2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
