He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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