Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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