i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
