You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
it glows. i had to have it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
