8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
