So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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