it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
