why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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