Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
