If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
