I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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