Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
