I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
