doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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