i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
