I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
