I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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