My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
