An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
