Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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