I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
