I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
