I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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