I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
