The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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