new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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