this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
