I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
