Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
