so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
