mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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