Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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