Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
the raccoons are back...
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